As I look back on the past year, I found myself locked in a relentless pursuit of proving my worth. Months slipped by as I found myself ensnared by a disgusting sense of greed and ambition. It felt like an unending cycle of trying to be better, to achieve more. But instead of driving me forward, it paralyzed me, compelling me towards a place where, deep within, I felt estranged from my true essence. What once brought solace lost its resonance. Music faded into mere notes, laughter echoed hollow, and love felt distant. Building connections and nurturing relationships became unnerving; my spontaneity would sneak out on me and disrupts the meticulously crafted control I sought. I chased after ideals and dreams that seemed flawless only in the realm of my imagination. So I kept on pushing and pushing myself, aiming for an unrealistic perfection in every decision, every shared moment, and every passing thought. I can’t pinpoint exactly when or why it all started. Maybe because prior to that, I felt like I had no control over the pain and suffering in my life and this was just my way of regaining power. Maybe because we live in an era where immense pressure weighs upon us. We’re enveloped in a culture that extols flawless narratives and flawless lives, magnified by the omnipresence of social media, a culture that suggests that personal and collective struggle is an utter waste of time because naturally, life’s priorities revolve around perfecting your aesthetic, mastering the art of content versatility, and ensuring your productivity levels are off the charts.
Eventually, I ran out of steam. Deep down, I knew perfection was a myth, but breaking free from its grip was an uphill battle. Letting go wasn’t a decision I consciously made. It happened as a result of sheer exhaustion. I believed that contentment should flow effortlessly, but for me, it felt like a constant struggle, leading to endless headaches. Every time I considered loosening my grip on control, these thoughts crept in:
“If I’m not steering the ship, who is?”
“If every little decision matters, then I have to weigh every option carefully.”
Everything around me seemed to amplify these feelings. My phone only added to my distress, and conversations felt meaningless. Everyone seemed like they had their lives figured out. I knew it wasn‘t true. But I was too stubborn to convince myself. I despised myself for being too sensitive, too emotional. I was told multiple times I shouldn‘t take things too personally, I wished it was that easy.
Why did every personal event affect me so heavily? I kept on asking myself. I would agree that the last three years have been a whirlwind, a constant storm with brief moments of calm but never true tranquility. I reminded myself that there‘s a reason behind it, for me to become wiser, smarter, more resilient. Isn‘t that what I always wanted? Not anymore, the price was too high. I wasn’t prepared to lose myself – my self was all I had. I longed for the person I used to be – the fearless soul who found happiness in the smallest moments, the one who exuded kindness and embraced generosity. My quest for control made me bitter and rigid, and it felt like time stood still while life kept moving swiftly. Days passed without creating genuine memories or experiencing true joy. Luckily, what frightened me more than pain was the thought of missing out on life itself.
So I surrendered. I let go, carrying a stubborn ego, a wavering self-esteem, and no emotional safety net. I was unsure of my beliefs as well. I surrendered to nothing. I decided to follow wherever the wind blew me. I reached a point where I tossed aside the to-do lists and abandoned overthinking my aspirations, erasing everything that used to define me. It was time to let go of worrying about what others expected of me. Instead, I let my instincts guide me, embracing whatever felt right in the moment. I experimented, exploring new things out of curiosity rather than obligation. Most of my time was spent in solitude, writing or making music, clearing away distractions to find some clarity about where my life was headed. Those days often felt lonely and directionless. Still, I persisted. Amidst the chaos, a faint voice whispered that I was on the right path. I chose to filter out the negativity, even when it seemed overwhelming. Gradually, things started to fall into place. Once I became more present in the moment, I started to notice signs and synchronicities. It was as if the puzzle pieces were finally converging, sparking a profound questioning of my beliefs: ‘‘What did I unequivocally believe in?‘‘